The Darkness 2 Review by C. Hatrison

This is how every line of dialogue sounds to my ears.

In addition to the buffet of illicit substances I enjoy, I’m also a rabid video game addict. They’ve been a constant strain on my pocket book for most of my life.

The most recent game I picked up was The Darkness 2. I don’t have the patience to waste a lot of words on lengthy explanations and backstory, so I’ll try to be brief.

In the Darkness games, you play a cliche, Italian mobster douche who dispatches other ridiculous, trite characters with guns and scary eel monsters that eat peoples’ hearts.

I could go into a boring, typical dissection of the gameplay and how it compares to the first one, but I try to avoid sinking too deeply into the septic lake of geekdom. The Darkness 2 is a fun game, but it’s frustrating as fuck when you run out of bullets (which happens constantly) or when some jagoff is hitting you with a spotlight to disable your powers (which also happens constantly).

The comic was cooler...way cooler.

Those minor quibbles don’t frustrate me nearly as bad as the abundance of Sopranos style mobsters and the gawd damn dialogue. I  hated the Sopranos. I fucking hated it. If I see one more a typical Italian stereotype waddling his fat ass around in a jogging suit, slurping mouthfuls of pasta and saying “fuuuggetaboutiitttt” one my gawd damn time…!

So, my recommendation is to wait for this one to hit the bargain bin. It’s not awful but it’s pretty damn mediocre. Super Mario pretty much dominates the video game universe when it comes to obnoxious, banal, overused Italian characters.

Maybe we should level the playing field of unacceptable racial stereotypes by having…I dunno…how about a black man with a pet bird that lives in his afro? That sounds like the most racist shit I’ve ever heard of. Luckily no one has the gargantuan balls necessary to do something THAT fucking inappropriate, right?